Blind dermatologist does entire exam on touch alone


Howard P. Fennewald, MD, underwent bilateral enucleation surgery at the age of 35 after an auto accident.  He is now nationally renowned for the fact that he continued his dermatology practice, in spite of being completely blind.  Fennewald wishes that he had the foresight to consider entirely touch based dermatology but states he previously couldn’t see past the cultural norms.  Not surprisingly, business is booming, and skin loving medical students from all over the country are submitting applications to be his next set of pupils. The man has become somewhat of a dermatologic visionary.

Dr. Fennewald reports that touch has worked so well that he is considering adding other senses to the mix. He has already entered trial phases with both taste and smell, claiming to be able to distinguish fungal from bacterial infections from a single whiff.  

“This is really great news for the rest of us,” stated blind radiologist Jaymir Marquez.  “He is truly a beacon of hope in a dark world.”

Deworming Campaign Adds Calories to Africa Diets

Recent work done in rural east Africa has shown promise at eradicating tapeworms while simultaneously adding a significant caloric intake to children’s diets. “Our current regimen of a single dose of albendazole and praziquantel appears to do more than just eradicate parasites,” says Dr Heinrich Fischer, lead director of the Health Help Initiative, “each dose contains between 1-3 calories, which can be as much as a fifty-percent increase in the average child’s daily caloric intake in this rural part of Africa.”  He reports that over the last seven years they’ve seen average weights among 8-10 year-olds increase from the 4th to the 5th percentile, a 25% increase.

Dr Angela Simmons, director of the World in Hunger Organization (WHO), has shown strong support for the initiative.  “This is ground-breaking work being done by Dr Fischer and colleagues.  This may finally represent a way for the western world to make a significant impact in the country of Africa.  Clean water programs will soon be a thing of the past.  Finally we’re focusing on something that matters.”  Dr Simmons has pledged the full backing of the WHO to the project.

The Healthy Help Initiative is currently looking for further sponsorship to further their goals.  They are in discussions with several major North American fast food organizations, one of which plans to pledge 1% of their profits over a one-month period.  Their spokesperson commented, “now our customers have a reason to feel good about themselves when eating our food products.  We couldn’t be more proud to join the commitment to delivering healthy nutrition to those who need it.”

Clearly pleased with the results they’ve obtained thus far, Dr Fischer added, “I just hope that other providers in similar settings can learn from what we’ve done here.”

- Edd Servoh

Non-confrontational physician reassures that the trichomonas was probably just from a toilet seat


Not all physicians are great at breaking bad news.  One perpetual waffler, Dr. Drew Stapleman, recently reassured his patient that the trichomonads infesting her genitals were “probably just from a toilet seat.”  Nonplussed, his patient pushed him for other possibilities as to the origin of the pesky protozoan, but Stapleman persisted that Yahoo Answers and Ask Jeeves both have loads of testimonials that it is certainly one plausible explanation.  Known for his ability to dodge difficult questions, he even once told a woman that her husband was probably blind, depending on your cultural definition of vision.  
“Technically, he isn’t blind if he can ‘see’ the world with his ears and hands, right?  Haven’t you seen the Matrix?  Neo wasn’t blind.  Neo saved the world.”  

With respect to Dr. Stapleman’s trichy situation, after being boxed into a corner about where else trichomonas can come from.  He finally admitted, that it often can be found down at the bar with its pals Clap and Drip. 



Unfortunate Plastic Surgery Leaves Man Nearly Identical To Nicholas Cage


The title tells the tale.  Texan Nate Carthage  is now nearly identical to Nicolas Cage after an unfortunate plastic surgery mishap.  On Monday morning, Stan went under the knife for a simple facelift but inadvertently received a face off.  On Monday afternoon, Nate woke up feeling fine.  When he was allowed to remove the bandages Tuesday morning, Nate syncopized, horror-stricken.  He looked identical to Nicholas Cage from Gone In 60 Seconds.  From the shifty eyes to the questionable haircut to the robbery of another man’s face, Nate Carthage  was… is … Castor Troy.

Nate realized his fatal flaw was not spending enough time researching his surgeon. One quick google search of Dr. K Reaves testimonials reveals that nearly all of his post-op photos contain people with uncanny likenesses to Mr. Cage, including the women. Furthermore Dr. Reaves facebook page shows him posing with a Nicolas Cage life-size cardboard cut out at parties and attending local premieres of all of his films. Dr. Reaves favorite book is listed as Uncaged, the biography of Nicolas Cage. Dr. Reaves notably graduated from residency with Curtis Cutsem who is well known in the plastic surgery world for giving his patients Steve Buscemi eyes, the likes of which can be seen on a quick internet photo search.

Slow to embrace his new look, Nate has yet to realize that he is now a national treasure.  His name is on billboards, he is the subject of countless memes, and he was always partial to Angelina Jolie and 1967 Shelby GT500 Mustangs.  However, beneath the facade remains Nate, who never aspired to fly a 747 filled with convicts, return from hell on a flaming motorcycle, or battle nerve gas sporting terrorists beneath Alcatraz.  He just wanted to be Nate Carthage.  Nate is enjoying the benefits of a never ending stream of C movie action scripts arriving at his front door and countless offers to join the next Dancing with the Stars cast.
 




Polysubstance abuse patient has remarkably good teeth


Megan Runyon, a 37 year old female who openly admits to the use of every drug she can find, has remarkably good teeth. Her adult teeth have been with her for better than 25 years, and she has yet to lose a single one. In fact, she has only had 3 cavities in her life in spite of smoking meth 3 times a week for years. While the smoker’s cough, track marks, and left hemiparesis (occurred after a 40 gram cocaine ingestion in 2007) tell her self destructive tale, her teeth have valiantly weathered the test of time and drugs. Even now, her central incisors stand stalwart against gingivitis, Krystal burgers, and crystal meth.


“She is the polar opposite of what we usually see. I’m accustomed to the teeth rotting while the body thrives on drugs - she is the exact opposite.” mentioned her dentist when interviewed.

Megan, herself, attributes her good teeth to being unvaccinated and to an herbal supplement she makes herself in her basement. Sold online, the supplement is actually a fairly reliable source of income. The stark contrast between her generally petulant physical appearance and her impeccable teeth has made a believer out of many an alternative medicine enthusiast. When asked how she planned to maintain her splendidly white teeth for decades to come, Megan actually passed out, presumably from her alcoholic cardiomyopathy but a second stroke has not been ruled out at this point.

Cure for cancer withheld after scientist watches 'I Am Legend'



A basic science lab out of Iowa has cured cancer and elected to withhold the wonderdrug due to concerns raised by Will Smith’s I Am Legend.  This lab did not just cure a single type of cancer.  They literally cured all cancer.  In fact, the accusations are that this basic science lab cured cancer as many as 10 years ago.  And therein lies the problem.  Always known to take things too seriously, Martin P Levimore PhD was on the verge of validating his discovery, etching his name in the history books, and changing the face of the planet when he made the simple mistake of taking his girlfriend to the movies.  What happened in that theatre will remain between Levimore, God, and Will Smith, but Francis Lawrence’s post-apocalyptic thriller clearly made a huge impact on the quirky scientist.

He would have kept his secret safe if it weren’t for the lab’s janitors who were becoming increasingly weirded out by the bulletin boards full of push pins and red string connecting Will Smith photos, oncogenes, Bob Marley quotes, and zombie drawings.  Not to be confused with Will Smith’s other awful, post-apocalyptic movies The Book of Eli or After Earth, I am Legend showcases the fictional results of one man’s cure for cancer causing the entire human race to become night loving zombies with overside mouths.  It should have been common knowledge that Will Smith has offered nothing but atrocities since Independence Day, but for some unbeknownst reason, Levimore took this particularly wretched film to heart and buried his cure for cancer deep in his cranial vault.  As Will Smith put it, “Welcome to Earth, Dr. Levimore.”  Many citizens of the Earth would ask this estranged scientist to kindly reconsider.

7 year old sweets addict likely provided first dose by parents

7 year old cookie addict likely provided first dose by parents

Sam Sanderson, like many other young Americans, is an addict, and his parents offered him the gateway drug.  This Sunday at a Sweets Anonymous meeting, Sam took his first big step and stood in front of the room.  In the dimly lit basement of his best friend’s mom’s house, as many as a dozen children witnessed Sam receiving his 1 day chip.  His story is not unlike many others.  He was hooked from a young age when his parents offered him a cookie at a party.  From there it was reckless euphoria on a downhill road littered by Milky Way wrappers. Innumerable sugar highs later, Sam is looking to get sober.  Although he is often judged by his many temporary tattoos, Sam is on the road to once again being a productive member of the first grade class.  
“My name is Sam, and I am a chocoholic.”


Ninja Physician: “My patients never even notice me.”



It is a tough life for ninja physician Nyan Ahmed.  This young physician has been a hospitalist for almost 14 years in Greenville, Mississippi and continues to elude the praise and affection for the high quality care delivered to patients on a daily basis.  Starting around the age of 22 (about the time of medical school matriculation), Dr. Ahmed appreciated many patients simply failed to acknowledge the care they received or the yeoman’s effort put into it.  Then, at the age of 24, Dr. Ahmed was asked to join the International League of Ninjas (the ILN).  The offer was obviously way too awesome to turn down, and the rest has simply been an unfortunate history.

“I spend five, sometimes six, days per week in house.  It just seems like no one even notices I’m around.  It’s not like I wear a black mask.” states Ahmed.  “My parents aren’t even ninjas!  Last year, the hospital forgot to give me my Christmas bonus. I had to remind them that I was still an employee.”

Indeed, Dr. Ahmed has it difficult.  To her, it is unclear when or where she obtained her ninja powers.  She denies taking any martial arts training or taking any classes in the art of illusion, but then again, ninjas often do.  To get to the bottom of it, several reporters from The Pannus interviewed some of Dr. Ahmed’s patients who had some interesting things to say:

“Christ Almighty! You mean to tell me that nurse is my doctor?!  I always thought it was that nice man who brings me my food.”  - Merle Goodman, Greenville resident

“I’ve never seen her before, but I think she’s just a nurse floating from the 5th floor.”  
- Greg, Merle’s nurse

As we were wrapping up, Dr. Ahmed did recall a day in which everyone acknowledged her as a physician.  Apparently last Halloween, she dressed up as her husband and was shocked how many people approached her with medical questions.  She recalls removing her costume in a broom closet over the lunch hour in order to continue flying under the radar.

Opinion: Potassium Replete-ism

 



“If we’re going to measure it, we should probably treat it, eh?”
- Dave, Canadian, Replete-ist




 


 “A banana?  That is only 10 milli-equivalents of K.  There is more K in a serving of pumpkin pie.”
- Jaquelyn, nutritionist with general dislike for tropical fruits













 
 “Nobody likes a potassium replete-ist... except the pharmaceutical companies producing K-Dur and the like.  K-Dur is literally just medical grade salt.  It is potassium chloride.  Isn’t a salt pill the definition of placebo?  ...Or is that a sugar pill?”
- Ted, self-doubting big pharma skeptic




 

 “Bananas are gosh darned tasty.”
Jimbo, chimp via sign language

Malpractice Suit: Radiologist nailed with case of missed Chronic Biscuit Poisoning on chest radiograph

Late Tuesday evening, Dr. Raymond Bates was convicted of missing the diagnosis of chronic  biscuit poisoning in a patient that was evidently obese and suffered a myocardial infarction. A jury of his peers recently concluded there is no doubt that chronic biscuit poisoning (CBP) was evident on multiple radiographs reviewed by Dr. Bates.  The suit was originally filed because the patient had multiple chest x-rays performed between the years 2010 and 2012, and the official read never contained any reference to CBP in spite of the fact that all 3 criteria were met.  These criteria include: a habitus too large to fit a normal radiograph + a minimum of 3 side roles visualized on X-ray or simply a habitus too large to fit a normal CT scanner. Unfortunately, the patient did go on to suffer a massive myocardial infarction in late 2013.  The argument was simple.  Chronic biscuit poisoning has been shown to be directly associated with diabetes, hypertension, hyperlipidemia, and a predilection for panniculitis.  Without carrying the diagnosis of CBP, the patient had no idea he had so many risk factors for heart disease and thus no motivation for lifestyle change.  Increasing dyspnea on exertion and the inability to visualize his own genitals without a mirror were clearly not evidence enough.  The young man claimed that he simply thought this was the natural evolution of being from Alabama.