Survey Reveals Of All Internal Organs, The Appendix Is The Most Depressed


“...and so I just swallowed it.  The fecalith was right there, eyeing me like ‘do you really want to spend one more day not knowing what your purpose is?’  I wanted to end it.  I wanted to go under the knife.
 - Little Jake’s appendix,
 only 4 years old

“I mean, look at me.  I’m a… a god damned blind pouch.”

Appendiceal suicide has increased 30 fold since 1900 and the advent of modern surgery. A survey of 1500 internal organs performed out of Vanderbilt would suggest that the appendix is 10x more likely than any other organ to attempt suicide and up to 20x more likely to be depressed.  The evidence would postulate that the lack of a real meaning to their lives is a significant risk factor, as is the constant temptation to swallow the passing fecaliths and end it all.  

Second on that list of organs at risk for depression / suicide was the transplanted kidney, which often suffers severe separation anxiety from it’s original partner.  In a close third was George R. R. Martin’s decrepit heart.  
One other previously undocumented contributing factor is the constant threat of appendiceal murder.  Since the advent of modern surgery, as many as 5% of appendectomies were healthy, happy appendixes that certainly weren’t hoping for the combo stapler/guillotine instrument of bowel pain and suffering that particular day.  And given their complete lack of ability to portray to the surgeon that it is actually the right ovary that is actively rupturing some confusing female thing, appendixes are often accidentally murdered in cold blood.  

The rate of appendiceal murder has fortunately improved in a drastic fashion since CT scans for every patient with right lower quadrant pain became a legal mandate.  Regardless, the authors of the paper propose that many depressed appendixes are still experiencing aftershocks from the 1900’s era of appendicide. Thus, as a medical community, it is our job to recognize and raise awareness to this ongoing tragedy and provide emotional support to the many victims of right lower quadrant pain.