Cure for cancer withheld after scientist watches 'I Am Legend'

A basic science lab out of Iowa has cured cancer and elected to withhold the wonderdrug due to concerns raised by Will Smith’s I Am Legend.  This lab did not just cure a single type of cancer.  They literally cured all cancer.  In fact, the accusations are that this basic science lab cured cancer as many as 10 years ago.  And therein lies the problem.  Always known to take things too seriously, Martin P Levimore PhD was on the verge of validating his discovery, etching his name in the history books, and changing the face of the planet when he made the simple mistake of taking his girlfriend to the movies.  What happened in that theatre will remain between Levimore, God, and Will Smith, but Francis Lawrence’s post-apocalyptic thriller clearly made a huge impact on the quirky scientist.

He would have kept his secret safe if it weren’t for the lab’s janitors who were becoming increasingly weirded out by the bulletin boards full of push pins and red string connecting Will Smith photos, oncogenes, Bob Marley quotes, and zombie drawings.  Not to be confused with Will Smith’s other awful, post-apocalyptic movies The Book of Eli or After Earth, I am Legend showcases the fictional results of one man’s cure for cancer causing the entire human race to become night loving zombies with overside mouths.  It should have been common knowledge that Will Smith has offered nothing but atrocities since Independence Day, but for some unbeknownst reason, Levimore took this particularly wretched film to heart and buried his cure for cancer deep in his cranial vault.  As Will Smith put it, “Welcome to Earth, Dr. Levimore.”  Many citizens of the Earth would ask this estranged scientist to kindly reconsider.